here's another installment.
(this excerpt is the result of a complicated negotiation process that I have been involved in recently with a childhood friend whom I had/have completely lost touch with. in anticipation of our first conversation in over 15 years, we have each been laying out a few basic concerns, guidelines, and ground rules. if it actually happens and anything interesting results, perhaps I'll write a short story about it, get it published on an online literary website, and then find a way to "accidentally" pass the link onto you.)
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it's probably obvious from some of my recent emails that I have been cycling fairly rapidly thru a wide range of attitudes regarding what constitutes meaningful communication, from the most general sense all the way down to specific relationships- and then even within specific relationships, specific encounters- and then even within specific encounters, specific exchanges, specific words, specific intonations, pauses, body language, etc. have been paying very very close attention- maybe too close attention.
one possible explanation: (and trust me, I'm eventually gonna stop referring to this so often) I was/am so devastated and humiliated by the depression and wipeout of 2012, and coming out of the hospital in mid november, even though I was beginning to feel a little bit better, being so unclear and unsure of how to proceed, at every level, but especially in terms of encountering people, especially people whom I knew/know and some whom I knew/know fairly well, who were worried and baffled and in a few cases still very shaken up over what had happened, what was happening, and what might happen in the future. in one sense, I felt and still feel that I had/have some explaining to do. my communication with people, even my nearest and dearest, had fallen off so profoundly last year that no one, including and especially myself, really knew where to begin.
as my state of mind/being continued and continues clearing up, a sorting-out process, a review process, a looking-ahead process also continues, and I am the first to admit that it is happening in some ways that may not be altogether "well-ordered" or "grounded." there is this other mode of "bipolar disorder" that I don't refer to as often, where it feels as if instead of drying up and dissipating, the "life force" is churning, humming, and pulsing in ways that are perhaps just as disorienting as severe depression/depersonalization. (this second term, "depersonalization," is one that I started using in conjunction with good old "depression." it covers very different but equally pertinent psychological territory.)
just as it is quite easy, if one is not vigilant, to be "taken in" by the devastation of depres/depers, it is also quite easy to be "taken in" by the seduction and oftentimes illusory sense of insight and empowerment that the higher moods offer. hence, bi-polar, right? 2 distinct poles. and endless transitions and way-stations between them. and sometimes the inability to distinguish which one is calling more of the shots- or are they working together? are they allies? are they helping or hurting me? which ones? at which times? which mode is more trustworthy? which corresponds more with whatever else is going on at this moment? here in madison? decatur? syria? labor camps? homeless shelters? the hawaiian islands? the cancer ward, the ER, the trauma unit, the golf course, or the maternity ward? these things are all happening simultaneously? what? you mean they're all happening to me simultaneously? no way, man. I've finally got my fucking life a little bit under control! don't talk to me about the war zone, starvation, birth defects, golf, the fortune 500, the brady bunch, blueberry fruit roll-ups and the 12 year old kid who works 15 hours day in the sun for 75 cents an hour so that the supply keeps rolling in and the teenage me can keep stuffing my face and playing nintendo without interruption- I'll deal with that shit when it shows up on my own doorstep, ok? maybe it will, maybe it won't- do you really have to bring it up? live in the moment, man! be here now! today is the first day of the rest of your life!
sure, high moods generally feel better but there is no question that they have contributed to some of my worst mistakes. and conversely, low moods generally feel terrible but there is no question that they have contributed to some of my most valuable learning experiences. and, it probably goes without saying, vice versa.
usually I maintain (maybe) some degree of objective awareness in regards to how I am feeling/behaving at any given moment and how those feelings and behaviors are being expressed, received, and reflected back by, in, and to the world around me. but not always. not nearly. I have noticed several times before that the period immediately following a major breakdown can be somewhat volatile- it's sort of like the system occasionally comes to a dead stop, and requires a significant jump-start or shove to get some momentum going again- once something resembling momentum has been re-established, and I get used to the sensation of movement/interaction again, I can relax more, and things usually start blending and cohering in ways that I don't necessarily have to manage or try to manage.
in any case, as some of my recent emails attest, I have not quite arrived in that state of relaxation, trust, easy-going, happy-go-lucky, etc. (chuckle) maybe I won't until I'm in a retirement home or insane asylum. (chuckle) but no, I do think I have my own version of this. and it's fun to slip into it. it usually happens out of the blue. I think this is true for most of us.
what I think I am trying to lead up to is this: I realize I've maybe come across recently as some sort of "honesty maniac" or "let me give you the brutal, unvarnished truth and then you give me the same." it's been this way with several people, and some have had to gently or not-so-gently ask me to pipe down a little. some have said to me, in effect: "matt, you're going a little too far, dude. this is precisely the reason that poems, short stories, novels, and essays were invented in the first place! sit down with your dustball computer or bic pen and paper and spew it out as much as you want or need to. be as graphic as you want or need to. exaggerate or drill down into any situation, real or imagined or a combination thereof, as much as you want or need to. and, remember, it's the same with other people. usually if they really and truly want to tunnel down into the substratum and past it, they'll write about it. OK? or maybe they'll go into therapy. or the monastery. maybeyou should have been a therapist, if you're really as apeshit about honest communication as you seem to imply. you can't just pry it out of people, you realize, and you can't just unload on them out of the clear fucking blue. that's a surefire way to get the phone to stop ringing. (but I guess you already know that.) if you're really interested in the darkest secrets of individual human souls, well, brush up a little, put on some semi-clean clothes, brace yourself, and saunter down to the library. a lifetime of secrets awaits you there. wait- what am I saying? a billion lifetimes of secrets awaits you there. there are some people hanging out there who are not afraid to lay some shit on the line. (but if they'd lived next door, chances are you wouldn't know even their most basic biographical data!) kafka. beckett. handke. bernhard. ishigiro. rilke. transtromer. neitzche. ashbery. shakespeare. merton. cioran. salinger. miller. poe. woolf. blanchot. foster wallace. there's no fucking end. as soon as you think you've uncovered the darkest secrets imaginable, you stumble across some anonymous sufi poet from the 13th century who leaves your old homeboys in the dust. puts a trap door right there under you as you innocently browse thru the new arrivals section and you're lucky to escape with your life! leave your poor friends alone! in regards to your own most twisted and filthy confessions- well, if you're smart you'll keep it primarily between you and the screen. and not the email screen, either. no, the word processing screen. the notebook. maybe the blog, in special cases. people don't need to know everything. they don't want to know everything. at least not for awhile. and if you absolutely have to open up, maybe it should initially be geared more towards strangers. you know, people who you'll never have to actually meet, and vice versa. non-threatening. impartial. your readers don't necessarily have to be your friends and your friends don't necessarily have to be your readers. do you really want or need to keep crushing your loved ones under this load of exploration, interrogation, confession? you really want to put these kind of thoughts in their heads? aren't their heads fucked up enough? isn't your own head fucked up enough? you're still just beginning to work this shit out! practice a little restraint! observe a little decorum, dude! I know you're still recovering from 6 or 7 months of extreme isolation and depression and it's understandable that you might go overboard a little in the other direction. I think the motorist's term for this is "over-correction." but as you know, over-correction often leads to very serious accidents. so correct just as much as is necessary, and then quietly proceed down the interstate."
among other things, I think I have been trying to say to you in one way or another that we have fallen so radically out of touch and have each separately been thru such serious trials that I am baffled as to where we would even begin. not to mention some of the vague "trust" issues or "power" dynamics that go all the way back to the very beginning. as I have made abundantly clear, I am no longer terribly skilled or interested in "banter" or "small talk" or "cheerful, lighthearted conversation." not that I was expecting we would fall prey to that- not at all- but I've noticed that sometimes when the interpersonal situation is awkward, unclear, or out-of-date people fall back onto these casual devices as a way of avoiding the sometimes uncomfortable and ongoing work of achieving and maintaining honesty, or another word might be "intimacy." yes, these are delicate things, delicate matters. often very hard to achieve and very easy to lose.
what I think I am trying to lead up to is this: despite what I may have implied, please do not feel any pressure to dive into anything you are not ready to (as if you would anyways) and I will not either. probably would be best to feel this thing out more gradually. who knows? ultimately, we are probably each going to do only what feels right, appropriate, realistic, and comfortable. no way are you or I going to get to the heart or hearts of the matter in a couple of marathon phone calls. this could possibly be an ongoing thing, right? time will tell. what has chewed me up in the past is how seemingly casually and easily "friends" can just disappear into the woodwork. it's not so much a feeling of betrayal- after all, we're free agents, right? we haven't signed any contracts- as a feeling of wasted energy. I've been as guilty of this as anyone- this disappearing into the woodwork. it leaves a very strange and sometimes very unpleasant taste in the mouth, does it not? sometimes so unpleasant that a person decides at a certain point that he or she needs to become highly, highly selective of who, what, when, why, how, and even if one wants to communicate in the first place.
anyways, it seems as if we are both willing to give phone conversation a shot again. I think you'll believe me when I say that I'm trying to approach this with as few expectations/predictions as possible. that doesn't mean low expectations, you understand- it simply means I have no idea what is going to happen and I am not invested in it being or unfolding in any particular way. honesty of course would be nice, but I'm not so sure if any of us are really and truly capable of that for more than fleeting moments now and then.
oh well.
