hey-
the advice was well worth the wait. I've heard the running bit before, hundreds of times, but that doesn't make it any less true. The opposite, probably. To say that I get it, I believe it, I see it, I follow it, and then fail to actually go out and do it is too embarrassing for all parties concerned, so I'll leave that part of the conversation alone for the moment. In regards to the expectations bit- I think you are very close to the heart of the matter- and my condemnations and conclusions not holding up in the face of......the facts.....the whole condemnation thing going a little too far...it really helps to hear that. Whether or not I immediately agree or adjust, it still really helps to hear that. And then the animal bit....that too is of course a very solid observation/reminder. Throwing the animal out with the man. the man out with the animal....one thing you said when you were here last which has echoed several times since: I can't remember what exactly it was in response to, I think maybe something I said regarding the creative impulse in life or art...anyways, your response was along the lines of: "that's the kind of comment I might expect from somebody who still believes in God." and since then, as I've turned it over, I can't settle on whether or not...how many of my ideas or positions are backed or not backed by that belief? And could I even sort out which is which? Because you singled out that one comment of mine from all the others I made as the one which indicated belief, I ask myself, does that imply that all the others were consistently atheistic/ grounded/ independent/ reasonable/ rational? Not that any of this over-careful hair or phrase splitting is even the pertinent matter- it's just made me wonder: what vestiges of belief or naivete or childhood/cultural indoctrination are still floating around in my person, and would things be any clearer if I was able to root those vestiges out? Are those vestiges the proverbial fly in the ointment? This question relates, I think, to the expectations issue. to the flimsy conclusions, perhaps based on this or that random position, a position which may not be well-integrated with the others, creating morasses and structural weak points here and there thruout the entire personality/worldview, which very well might show up in the smallest, most inconsequential matters, moments, decisions....in any case, I really do appreciate being questioned or challenged....one thing about Beckett which I immediately noticed and warmed to was his sense of constant self-contradiction, his constant failure and seeming aversion to taking anything seriously, of saying one thing, expressing one opinion or attitude or approval, only to casually say or imply the opposite thing a few sentences later- in one sense, it empties language of any pretense to truth, consistency, or clarity.....in another sense, it implies and demonstrates how that is the manner in which some people actually think, speak, and behave- Beckett seduced me into treating and regarding everything as a game, to cease caring or worrying about my blind spots, contradictions, inconsistencies- as if to point out: care and labor all you like, you'll only end up with yet another shiny new set of delusions and half-truths- why not just stop and identify the whole thing for what it is? A sham, a farce, a painful and miserable situation for everyone, but especially for those who at one time believed they had stumbled onto anything even resembling the "truth", the "way", or the "light"- as if to say: the animal sorts have it the best, scurrying around incessantly consumed with matters of animal delight and survival, not bothering their heads about questions of meaning or value- what feels good is good, what keeps me and my inner circle alive and well is good, all the philosophy is merely vapor coming off the overheated, understimulated, perhaps under-challenged outsider, some bizarre and terribly unsatisfying substitute for the only nexus of concern and desire that we animal creatures can relate to.....you realize I'm just caricaturing a certain kind of position, one which also came up in your advice and I think is relevant to the discussion....in regards to that website....wow.... that's the sort of advice that can end up doing more harm than good.....maybe I'll pretend my little visit never happened....but WHY? what possible harm could it have done? They were all really nice ladies, they all really had my best interests at heart, we're all part of the same human family, the same human community......maybe I'll leave it at that for now..next Tuesday night would be fine, my exact address is 4403 N. Sheridan Rd. Chicago, IL 60640....maybe we'll pick this up later...sometimes I worry that my conversation is nothing other than rhetorical strategy....little items I have picked up and incorporated over the years into my arsenal....none of it really my own, none of it really of any practical use, which partly explains the impulse to just get rid of the whole stinking affair, and disappear in any number or radical and/or permanent ways.....and I also think it partly explains why a number of my friendships over the years have had this strange 3-5 year lifespan....one argument is that it takes around that much time to really get to know a person, and then when you finally think you do, and are finally into authentic and unquestionable friendship territory, with it's ever-widening rings of experience, intimacies, discoveries, etc (is this another case of overblown expectation?), the person realizes that my entire personality is just a flimsy rhetorical/behavioral strategy, picked up from here and there, no more important or authentic or lasting than any number of possible versions or variations...."fraud" is the word that comes to mind, it's a word that makes me very nervous....in any case, this might now officially be moving into the realm of the utterly preposterous....to summarize then...ahem....I am a strong, well-built, well-meaning , well-proportioned member of the species....I look around at the other members and approach them with a well-measured pace and glance...I extend my hand and greet them with a well-considered, well-regulated human handshake, sometimes I clasp them to my breast, I invite them into my confidence, well-educated, well-employed, and as well-connected as it is, the very pith and essence of what is often regarded as the ultimate human concern, the marrow of all future endeavor, the level and unwavering gaze, sizing up the matter at hand, letting drop a few independent and well-researched reactions, they are the sort of human specimens we cobble together down in the workshop...the sort of human specimens that make all the struggle worthwhile.....doesn't matter if they crouch over the newspaper in the morning....it is imperative to be at all times well-informed....an integral human accomplishment......intoning the words "success" and "victory" as you examine the steaming contents of the newsprint, confident enough in your own experience to eat the sort of breakfast that you feel your lifestyle deserves.....frankfurter, sloppy joe, it doesn't matter....somebody's going to slip in thru an unlocked window and light a little fire down in the smithy anyway.....we enjoy building things from scratch, we enjoy building things by hand, we enjoy the unfinished texture and veneer of the natural product....we chant the names of mentors affectionately, we look at the website pictures and begin to behave somewhat rythmically....doesn't matteri fthm,,z;nfnf8))))))))))/////smnlii603===d kiq i000dj 4889##bkeb;fppb e0w0099((*y3
